prematurely grey

The SOTD meaning meltdown really got underway with “People Who Died.” It was playing on the 101X Flashback lunch while I was driving to or from HEB last Monday. I was getting groceries after the insane OCD fridge cleaning of Sunday morning. I haven’t been to church in weeks. Last week, we were just home from L.A. and the girls wanted to hang out in their pajamas at home. We didn’t go today either. Chris was leaving for New York and everyone was up late. When I came downstairs and found Chris asleep in Mazie’s bed (Mazie was still asleep up in mine–will this never end?) instead of out running, I knew we just had to stay together. We never spend Sunday mornings together. So we did.Last week’s fridge cleaning was a sort of bizarre exclamation point on not having cooked Thanksgiving. I don’t believe that I have ever had such an empty refrigerator the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Ususally, the fridge if full of food that I want to throw away but can’t. Here was the ultimate freedom–no guilt in throwing away dead lettuce or ancient salad dressing–and no stuffing pissing me off.

I had to go to the store to get some stuff to put in the sparkling fridge. “People Who Died” came on. I thought of Ruth immediately. She put this song on a CD she made for me last year. It’s the centerpiece of the mix. It’s a song that was popular when we were in high school, this sort of tough New York kids anthem.

At the moment I heard it, I thought “Song of the Day.” But then the immediate plague of doubts: can something be SOTD only because I want to write about it for Ruth? Who am I to do that? Obviously, the psycho-spiritual angle had gotten a little too psycho. But that’s what happened last week.

At that moment, doubt came rushing in. And we all know where doubt leads. Despair. I allowed myself to follow in the Fairie Queene’s footsteps. I allowed the theological struggles of Christianity to get inside my head and fuck around with SOTD. I was just a pawn.

I started to wonder very seriously about what kind of person confuses songs on the radio with messages from God.

And that was a good thing.